4th of July

the past 2 fourth of julys have been times to remember the first one i finally made friends and hung out with them shooting off fireworks and enjoying life. the second was the most memory filled of all on the fourth last year i got released from rehab and i got to walk out on my own 2 feet. this fourth i was supposed to go to be with my girl friend but instead of hanging with her im sitting here at home by myself. her mom decides she doesnt want to come get me or let me come over. ever since me and her hav been together her mom has been one of the most selfish people i have ever met and this takes the cake. she disrespected me and insulted me today and im not gonna take it anymore if she wants too pick me up screw it im not going if she baddgers me about getting damn job then im gonna tell her off. and soon enough when jen turns 18 and moves out im gonna tell her to go fuck herself. i hate the fourth of july right now.

today and the day before

yesterday i went to see jennifer at terrys house it took about a hour to get there and when i did no one would answer the door. finally a guy about my age stuck his head over the fance to see who it was. it sank my heart and made me a lil uncomfortable. it just brought me back to the past about things that happened. its bugs me that she was sleepin over some one hows and some guys there. he left later but still :(. he wasnt her friend she didnt even know he was there but to be honest my heart stopped cha know? well we hug out for lil while did some huggin and kissin then my sister picked me up in my moms car. weve drove right past the street that me and jennifer ever kissed on. when home i talk to jen on the phone for a lil while then watch the deadliest catch. its an awesome show about crab fishing. everyone should watch it. i love that show.
today was boring as usual and hat pretty much thats all i have to say. +yawn.

America land of the free?

Today i spent most of the day on Youtube.com. watching videos and usually videos lead to videos funny passing out leads to sleeper holds to fights and some how i found myself watching a video. a group of legal Mexicans living in the united states were walking through a parking lot and were met buy a group of outraged Caucasians shouting insults at them screaming that they are evil pigs and should go back to their own country even though they were born legally in this country. they walked up to them and blew fog horns at these people when they tried to speak with heir babies in their arms.

i don't believe that Mexicans or any other race should come into this country with out permission, in other words illegal. i cant stand the thought of people coming in here and taking benefits when their disrespecting this country by coming in illegal and that one thing not to like but to harass innocent people out of the blue judging them for the color of their skin is pathetic and sickening. our country is the melting pot of the world mixing of races, religions, heritage and beliefs.

on the statue of liberty it says :

"July IV MDCCLXXVI Give me your tired, Your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"

what happened to the days when we sat on the shores ready with open arms to accept the masses of weak people from around the world ready to accept them and make them not immigrants but as Americans. but if you think of it this country has never been accepting to the huddled masses that yearn to breathe free. the Africans forced into slavery, the Irish welcomed into the country then sent to war, the Japanese forced into concentrations camps on the soil they came to to be free. and now the Mexicans. yes millions of Mexicans have snuck into the country but no one looks towards the Mexicans who came here legally. all people notice is the language on their tongue and the color of their skin.

once years ago i walked out of my school to support illegal immigrants. but i didn't know what i was walking for, all i saw was the armies of this country stand up against my grandmother and mom. i was so obsessed with the thought of Mexicans being judged for their skin and language. my mother is of Mexican heritage which makes me and my sister 1/2 Mexican. when i first saw my girl friends mother and she saw me she made it painfully obvious that she didn't like me. that she would rather have her daughter be with some one who had the same heritage as her and her mother and her whole family. the news of her mother disappointment was painfull and the same when i heard of her grandmother disappointment. i couldn't understand why cant they see me. yes my heritage is Mexican but I'm also Irish English french German. but all those things don't matter because u know what i am...????American.

so you know what i say to those people standing on corner waving their flags screaming how Mexicans are evil and pig and under white people? i say give Me your tired, give Me your poor,and give me your huddled masses,for i will show them the free air to breathe no matter the color of skin or race or belief for this is the country of the free and home of the brave.

Kmart

December 2007 i went to kmart to have a interview. it was rather simple she asked me some questions then we sat and waited for a third party o join us. another person who applied as well. i sat in a smaller rooma nd began watching the safety and customer service when i teen about the same age as ma came in and asked where sue was (the women who gave me the interview) i told him she went up front and not long later she brought him back in and gave him the same papers as she gave me, and gave us our name tag mine of course said joushua and his said Edgar. we watched the rest of the videos and made fun of them at the same time.

he left home that day but i offered to push carts till 6 and i did. over the next month me and him work the same days the same hours and even the same section TOYS. christmas was coming around and toys were every where all the time so me and him spent our days cleaning up after lil kids and their parents. but we were inseprable. he got called to the front id follow and if i got called hed follow. we clean our favorite sections and we'd tell eachother our lives just for the kicks and were surprised by how much we had in common.

one day a women walked by and she saw a "Hannah Montana" blanket that was miss placed and she said "Ooooohhh shana monshana shes soo cuuuute" when i told him he couldnt stop laughing. he almost peed himself. we talk about girls and problems and funny moments and our experiences when it came to stuff like graffiti and grugs which i could say much for the drugs but to my great regret i still had some to say. everyday he'd come into toys and spot me and say "JJoooooosshuuuaaaa" in a high pitched voice and id reply "EEEddddggggaaarrrr" in the same voice.

his favorite story of mine was the one where i had to pretend to be gay for my gfs mom because we were damn sure she didnt like mexicans no matter how much of them was white as well. when i told him the story he almost fell down. we would go push carts together and smoke ciggerettes and make jokes.
he told me her could stay with his other job but he wouldnt leave me there alone. he was a friend...he was one of my best freidns. after chrsitmas i work in electronics and he stayed in toys. but a couple days later he cme in after about a week off work to buy some paint cans. i got the paint for him and then he gave me a homie hug and told me hed see me the next day... but he never came in.

i never saw edgar again but it wasnt long before i found out where he went. the last night i saw him he went tagging with his friends and was arrested. and after returning home he got back together with his girl friend..then hung himself.

i wouldnt accept it even after sue came to me a couple days later and brought me out side to tell me what had happened..it was true. but still i walked through the store thinking any minute he would pop up out of no where and say it was a lie or a joke. even when i went to the funeral. but when we got out of the car behind the hurse and was asked to help carry the casket and we lifted it i realized he was there lying next to me. the service was in spanish and i didnt unerstand but it didnt matter because i was there with him.i was half way there. i droped a blue rose on him and step back.

a lazy looking whith truck backed up with a trunk full of dirt and began to pour the dirt over edgar. i could feel the hope of his return fading like the light faded to him. a tear rolled down my cheek as a iwatch edgar my friend slip away beneath the dirt. my friend was gone for ever. id never see him again.

over the next few weeks there would be moments where i swear i saw him if only for a moment walking to the bath room or in toys, or hear him call me. but soon it faded away. but in a way i know hes always with. but no matter what ill always miss him.

Edgar A. Contreras

05/02/1988 - 01/11/2008

The Beach

The moon was showing itself over the stary waves that crashed onto the shore. my heart in my chest throbbing so hard it cracks witht he sound of the waves. the pain of some one being left behind. this urge i have to run run from it all. she kissed him, thats all i can see in my mind. i want to jump in the sea and let it take me from this place and never look back. but i cant. i cant stop myself from putting a distance between the deep and me. i walk out into the water and let the salty beauty in the moon light rise to my waist. i hear her voice behind me and my heart trobbs harder and harder. i hear her voice ever so softly behind me. its so soft yet it rises over the roar of the sea. i turn my head to see her waiding in to me. the moon runs over her skin making her look like an angel. and i cant help but realize...i love her. i want to hold her in my arms and know im the only one. the sand between my toes and the moon on my skin. she is my beach. her hair flows so genle in the wind like the moon light flowing over the endless sea of my heart. her beautiful blue eyes blue like the sea. her touch gentle like the wind. and more the anything her kiss as gentle as all put together. this night at the beach a realize that the love i have for her will follow me weither it be into her amrs or out into the depths. i will love her. and i do.

Cell Phone...

I understand completely why my mom might be a lil' hesitant to let me get a cell phone. but its not like i went over like $200 dollars worth of minutes or anything. and even so it was when i turn 15. im about to turn 20 years old. theres still a phone line there with no one useing it. im perfectly fine and happy with paying my own bill and everything all i ask is that she lets me put a phone on. i mean she says she wants me to act my age all the time. why should i act my age if shes not gonna treat me that age and give me some real responsiblilities treating me like im 15 still and not trusting me is stupid. ive cleaning around the house ive been planning out my future i got everything set but when i go out and my mom gets worried its her own fault taht she wount let me get a phone. snd one more thing my friend mac is poor he lives where ever he can put his lil trailer and he has a phone.he dont pay for it or anything. I WILL....

reason for phone:

1. leaving state
2.keep in touch with mom
3.keep in touch with gf
4.going to school need comunication
5.getting a job
6.travel to palm dale alot
7. more be more responcible if given the oppurtunity.

.....:(