4 /25/2010 3:34 am

The day coming to an end and what a day it had been. The sun casting it last bits of brilliantly colored light over the rippling and rolling surface of the pacific ocean. The cold wood of the pier under me making me feel secure. A kiss is what it to took. Some so small and miniscule. The touching over our lips too the cold of the night rolling down upon me. A kiss our lips touch and knew nothing was going to be the same. Another turn in my life another fork in the road. But this time I look down the path of my life and I could see a alternate root. And it goes farther and brighter then all the others. I will take this road and I will let it take me where it will. And my feet carry me safely and may love light the jay.

A Man Fighting

Self-Pity

4/25/2010 3:19 am

I can never find the words filled with enough passion to explain how i feel. some may say it is stupid. some may say its pointless, somthing you just brush off your shoulder and move on. But to me it means more the a bid of dust on my shirt. that can be brushed away ever so swiftly and with out thought. but i can not help but let it seep into my thoughts and drive me to the brinks of madness. self pity it hink. i hate the phrase. self pity, a phrase used to describe people who like to feel sorry for themselves to get attention. i hate it i hate it more then anything. cause i am offten taken wrong and described as "self pitying". i dont self pity. i feel lowly about myself at times i have come to know nothing but judgement and ranks in life. its everywhere. you try to get a job and you dont. you know why? its because some one out ranked you. made u look as if you weren't worth it. it has happened to everyone on this earth. it has happened to me. day and night in and out. and it hurts when you look at yourself and realize they're better. tonight i have been at a party which i was not expecting. a sleep over i thought but next thing i know there are people everywhere and i have made many many good friends tonight. but they were stolen away by a well known friend to any body who has read any of my blogs. he stole them away with his unrealisticly charming wit, his musicall talent. his hair for god sakes. all he had to do was sit down and start playing a simple little piano and they gathered. people i was talking to would literally turn away and walk to the sound of the Beatles. and when he was done and had his fill of attention i played my partial moon light sinata and everyone turned and walked away. i played the pianon once for my mom. then he did. and filled with self satisfaction i went to my mom and wanted to play her a new song i had learned and with what seemed like a thoughtless acted stop me and told me to let him play. this is all i have is words. i dont even know if they are worth reading. but i can tell you right now they are by far worth writing. i try to push these feelings of regection aside and turn a blind eye to my own pathetic intensions. but there is only so much one person can do fo rthemselves. im sorry to anybody who reads this and looks down apon me and sees a small little person who cant accept them selves. but in the end ill be what i will be. and some day i will have to learn to accept this. but for now i will continue to try not to make a fool of myself...welll any more then i already have. Goodnight readers,

A Man Fighting

11:05 a.m. 2/20/2010

To make a long story short, we waited 4 months after her and mac split up, then we got together. we had our hard time and out good times. i moved in with her. and lived there for a good long while. and once again i had to move back to northridge and when i did our relationship started to go down the tubes. and in the end around christmas of course she left me. it was by far the most painfull thing i had ever been through in my life. and i had GBS. sometimes i miss her. but in the end shes happier and ive learned many many many lessons and i pray she'll continue to be happy and hey you never know. maybe our paths will cross again. but for now...its time to move on.

RIP

J & A

Apr. 1, 2009 - Dec. 19, 2009

2/17/2010 1:03am

our lips touch multiple time thats night. after mac had went to bed me and amyrose spent he whole night together. dancing around the fire, asking questions, kissing, laying the camper she has in her backyard together. we did everything a person could do for one person who they loved. even make love. to this day macs dad caled me a rat bastard but i didnt care. mac had his chance and lost it. he had a beautiful charming attractive women and he treated her like she want enough. as the night wore on we stayed with eachother. at about 5 in the morning we cleaned up outside and went in her dads rom where i had been sleeping, and lied together under the blanket staring into eachothers eyes asking eachother questions.

"i better get in my room with mac cause if he wakes up and sees us he'll freak" she said.

"ok thats fine" i replied.

"ok maybe 5 more minutes"

we lied there and one last question sat on my tongue. and i couldnt hold it back anymore. it wasnt the question itself. it was the responce the words i longed to hear the words i wanted to scream cry wwail to the worl around me.

"if i was to die right now, and you could only say one last thing to me what would it be?" i asked.

"i cant say that' she replied.

"why?"

"because im with mac"

"this is just a 'just curious' question." i said.

her face grew serious. i had never seen her with this lok beofre...no...i had..6 months before looking into macs eyes. and she uttered the words.

"i love you"

my heart leaped into my stomach. i saw it coming but it still shockedd me. i had hadalot of girls mac had mesed around with before fall in love with me. i had had one of them even say "you ruined my life" because i couldnt love her like she loved me. but this was different.for the first time in my life. i actually loved her back.i did with all my heart.

"i love you: i said. we kissed one more time. a deep long embraced kiss that seemed to last for ever. then she crawled out of bed and left the room. after the door had closed behind her i couldnt help but play the night over over over again in my head. and it all came down to those three words. and i spoke them alowed to myself one more time before i drifted off to sleep.

i love you.

2/16/2010 11:47

after the day me and amyrose had spent in the buttes together things were a little different. i remember when wew were a block from her house i said to her "honestly when i came down i had this gfeeling that i would kiss you haha". the aqward laugh semed to last for ever but she shared it with me. we walked a couple more feet then she said a few words that would stick in my mind for ever.

"honestly if you didnt i would be a lil upset." i think that started it all. through out the night i would follow her into rooms that were empty beside me and her and try. it took alot of guts and every time she turned away. after about 4 trys i said finaly, "you know what im not going to try anymore" i had a laugh to follow it.

"what do you mean?"

"you know what im talking about"

the words she had spoken broke a lil part of me as if she had forgotten till she spoke again.

"if we do kiss i want it to be special, not in a garage"

shewalked to the door and i was right on her heels, with all the guts i had left i pulled her back by her elbow put my lips close to hers. she turned away only a bit then turend back. our lips touched. fire filled my heart and soul. it was incredible. i didnt want to let her flee from my arms, but a sound coming from the garage pulled our embrace apart. and we seperated. that wasnt the last i cant promise you that. through out the night we snuck off together, kiss and hoilding eachother. we had stupid little excuses from "we need more fire wood" to oh i forgot my water inside." i had never felt such a kiss befoe in my life. i loved it....i loved her.

11:56 p.m. 2/14/2010

A few days after jennifer left me i woke up perpared to take all of her belonging and pictures of her and little presents she had given me and burn them in the bonfire next to mac...and amyrose. i packed enough stuff for a week and got on the train leaving sylmar to lancaster and from lancaster to lake la. the train ride was and hour and a half. i was wearing so nice slacks, button up black shirt, and a brown swayed jacket i had bought for when jennifer got back from pregon. i payed 55 somthing dollars on that outfit and ewhen she saw me all she said was, you know i dont like those shoes. least to say i was upset. when i arrived mac was the first one to get out of amyrose's moms van. we called it the grrr mobile later for reason i wount disclose. mac was the first to get out of the van and amyrose just sat there. i gave mac a hug and ask her for one. we drove back to the house. over the next 4 days all three of us hung out. i hung out with amyrose more then mac dew to the fact that he slept. we didnt. and because mac was lazy me and mayrose found ourselves once again alone, climbing the giant rock piles (buttes) next to her house. cuts and bruises from the rocks we allways came out with smiles. by the bonfire we explored eachothers personalities asking any and all types of questions. we also asked eachother questions in the buttes

our questions started out normal then led to personal question, then would you ever questions, then finally the "just curious" question. i left on the 5th day and came back 3 days later. this time amyrose was the first to run up and hug me. and when i held her i felt ....idk it just felt. we continued our adventure into the buttes and bonfires. playing slap war with a deck of cards. it was great. but i had found out that mac was cheating and i did what i felt was the right thing to do...i told her. she didnt know if she should beileve me or not but when she comfronted mac he spilt it all. the next few nights were memerable.

9:35 p.m. 2/14/2010

Things happened just like they always have a tendancy to do, with me. about 10 days after christmas. freshly a new year 2009 jennifer broke up with me. it turns out she had been scoping this guy whose got some rich folks. it hurt. it hurt alot. but what she didnt know was that i had been trying to get a hold mac, and he wouldnt answer but ever so often his gf Amyrose would answer, and we would talk. and every so often turned into every now and then, then to every other night, then every night. we got pretty close, and i started to build feeling for her. i had met her once before about 5 months earlieri had shaved my head completely bald, and mac talked me into going and hanging out and sleeping over his gf;s house. i was pissed. i was so anti social. but by the end mac went to be and me and amyrose stayed up all night by the bonfire, laughing, dancing, pretending we were the fire gods.

after jennifer broke up with me i was distraught. and i was cold and empty and it got even worse when i texted her 2 days later, and her new boyfriend texted me back. it tore me i was so pissed and stormed out i was yelling. my mom asked what was wrong i told her then i said i need a smoke. she hated my smoking but even she offered to give me money for cigerettes. i had be talking to amyrose about me coming out to visit her and mac. and she suported me telling me jennifer was a dumb ass and i was worth more then anyone could offer. i was looking forward to seeing her. i was looking forward to the bonfire, and how it lit her up like a fire goddess in my memory.