4/25/2010 3:19 am
I can never find the words filled with enough passion to explain how i feel. some may say it is stupid. some may say its pointless, somthing you just brush off your shoulder and move on. But to me it means more the a bid of dust on my shirt. that can be brushed away ever so swiftly and with out thought. but i can not help but let it seep into my thoughts and drive me to the brinks of madness. self pity it hink. i hate the phrase. self pity, a phrase used to describe people who like to feel sorry for themselves to get attention. i hate it i hate it more then anything. cause i am offten taken wrong and described as "self pitying". i dont self pity. i feel lowly about myself at times i have come to know nothing but judgement and ranks in life. its everywhere. you try to get a job and you dont. you know why? its because some one out ranked you. made u look as if you weren't worth it. it has happened to everyone on this earth. it has happened to me. day and night in and out. and it hurts when you look at yourself and realize they're better. tonight i have been at a party which i was not expecting. a sleep over i thought but next thing i know there are people everywhere and i have made many many good friends tonight. but they were stolen away by a well known friend to any body who has read any of my blogs. he stole them away with his unrealisticly charming wit, his musicall talent. his hair for god sakes. all he had to do was sit down and start playing a simple little piano and they gathered. people i was talking to would literally turn away and walk to the sound of the Beatles. and when he was done and had his fill of attention i played my partial moon light sinata and everyone turned and walked away. i played the pianon once for my mom. then he did. and filled with self satisfaction i went to my mom and wanted to play her a new song i had learned and with what seemed like a thoughtless acted stop me and told me to let him play. this is all i have is words. i dont even know if they are worth reading. but i can tell you right now they are by far worth writing. i try to push these feelings of regection aside and turn a blind eye to my own pathetic intensions. but there is only so much one person can do fo rthemselves. im sorry to anybody who reads this and looks down apon me and sees a small little person who cant accept them selves. but in the end ill be what i will be. and some day i will have to learn to accept this. but for now i will continue to try not to make a fool of myself...welll any more then i already have. Goodnight readers,
A Man Fighting
